[Note: This chapter is extremely long so I’m splitting it between two posts]
In the previous chapter of Wizard’s First Rule Rachel was accosted by two creepy misanthropes. Luckily she manage to escape, and now Richard and Kahlan are searching for her.
Did you see her arms?”
“I saw long bruises. They are from a switch.”
That never actually happened.
Richard explains that Rachel is impossible to track because she’s too small to leave tracks and she avoids pushing through foliage to preserve her delicate girl-skin, which, okay whatever, I guess that’s plausible. I mean not really but we’ll go with it anyway. Also for some reason they’re determined they have to find her even though they’ve repeatedly stated that nothing is more important than their mission and they’re willing to literally murder children in cold blood.
Kahlan correctly deduces that her hair spooked Rachel so she asks Richard to cut if short for her. Confessors can’t cut their own hair because “the magic” makes it hurt a lot (no really).
His eyes returned to her. “No.”
That’s a sensible answer. Her long hair might make her feel alienated but it’s an obvious and potent symbol of her authority as the Mother Confessor, which is a valuable tool they can’t afford to lose.
No just joking it’s actually some stupid objectivist thing.
Because I respect you for who you are. The Kahlan I know wouldn’t want to fool people by trying to make them think she is less than she is. Even if you did fool some, it would change nothing. You are who you are: the Mother Confessor. We all can be no more, or less, than who we are.
(‘m just assuming any time the characters give a pointless speech it’s an objectivist thing; If I’m wrong don’t bother telling me, I don’t care)
Kahlan’s brow wrinkled with sorrow. “I’d say she was running from whoever cut her hair like that.”
He nodded again. “It was meant to mark her, maybe as property.
How the fuck does Richard know all of this? Shouldn’t Kahlan be the one explaining it to him?
Richard also figures out that the loaf of bread Rachel was carrying is important. I’ll give him that one, it was pretty obvious by her behaviour. At this point Richard finally says what I’ve been waiting for him to say, that they can’t waste time chasing after her because they have to get the box (lololol).
I hate what Darken Rahl does to us, the way he twists us.
He’s not twisting jack shit, you both decided what your priorities were on your own.
As much as he tried not to think about Rachel, he found himself frowning with worry before he realized he was doing it again
Hey Richard, remember that little boy who got kidnapped by Rahl as a gift to his pet child-raping murderer? No? Okay.
After travelling for a while they talk about what they’re going to do if they reach the Queen’s castle and Darken Rahl is already there (namely die).
“If Darken Rahl is in Tamarang, and we go there, then in all likelihood-we will die.”
Or you could just, like, not walk blithely into certain death. That would also be good.
They make camp for the night and then Zedd comes strolling out from behind a rock.
You know, I really thought he was going to be dead halfway through the book. Those were happier times.
Things proceed to get 300% quirkier as Zedd cooks food with magic, says “true as toasted toads” and generally acts as the Jar Jar Binks of this particular epic fantasy story. His new role in the story is to say “What! What! OH MY GOD WHAT” while our heroes summarize the middle of the book for him (narrate this part Goodkind, for fuck’s sake) and finally bring the Book Of Counted Shadows into relevance since Zedd is the book’s keeper (but he doesn’t actually know what’s in it, only Richard does because oh fuck it). Also blah blah Kahlan wants to go Confessor Giller to find out where the box is, the attack on that town by the “Westlanders” was actually a false flag operation by Rahl’s own men.
This has to be one of the most overly complicated fantasy stories I’ve ever read.
Well, okay, yes. But it’s definitely up there. So far the plot has largely consisted of a lot of arbitrarily complicated things happening for no apparent reason, with a heap of wierd nonsensical “ah but you see it must be this way because the magic and also because reasons”.
“Wizard’s First Rule.”
And the long awaited Wizard’s First Rule is…..
“Wizard’s First Rule: people are stupid.”
Zedd explains that “people are stupid” is the reason the Seeker and the Confessors were created. Okay then.
“But the ones who did the killing, they knew. It was murder. How could they do it?”
Remember all the steely-eyed Objectivist bullshit I had to wade through before? Remember how much of a boner you had for abandoning your comrades and murdering traitors? Remember the old men you almost hacked down? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT SHIT
And then it’s time for another misanthropic morality sermon from uncle Zedd. The topic this time is “
Who is Jonh GaltMurder is the way of nature, of all living things”. Zedd uses another tree-based metaphor to get this point across. It takes way too long and then doesn’t seem to have anything to do with what they were talking about before or after, which is that Rahl is gaining ground by giving people false causes to believe in and letting them do his fighting for him.
If someone digs a hole, and it fills with rainwater, where is the fault? Is it the rain’s fault? Or is it the fault of the person who digs the hole?
Oh my God Zedd, shut the fuck up.
The tooth was the only way for Richard to prove to Zedd that his father wasn’t a thief, that he had taken the book to keep it from Darken Rahl. Richard wanted so badly to tell Zedd, to tell him that his father had been a hero, had given his life to stop Rahl and died a hero to protect them all. He wanted his father to be remembered for what he had done. He wanted to tell Zedd.
But he couldn’t.
The wizard wanted the Book of Counted Shadows destroyed. Richard was the Book of Counted Shadows now. Shota had warned him that Zedd would use the wizard’s, fire against him, but that he had a chance to beat him.
God this is all so contrived.