Let’s Read Wizard’s First Rule ch. 37-38

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Chapter 37

It’s time for some more exciting fireside breakfast action and Zedd being a quirky quirkster who’s obsessed with food. Which we’re going to skip right over. Blah blah Richard knows that Zedd knows about what Shota told him and Kahlan blah blah. Wizard’s First Rule, clever ruses, blah blah. Zedd says “bags” a lot.

He pointed a thin finger skyward, the sparkle returning to his intense hazel eyes. “You have tricked a wizard with his own rule. Not one of my wizards was ever able to do that.

Richard’s amazing trick was to just say “so why did Kahlan tell you” and then confirm that he actually did by his reaction. I have trouble believing no one ever thought of this before, but apparently Zedd is just blown away by it, to the extent that he starts talking about Richard becoming a wizard.

Zedd leaned forward eagerly, cutting him off. “Can you command the wind?”

Only after chili con carne night.

The characters break into a weird, incredibly inane comedy bit with lots of gags and over-reactions (three quarters of the way through the book here guys) and Zedd launches into a bit of magic system wankery complete with different spell types. Eventually they finally get moving and head for Queen Evil’s domain.

Then it’s back to Rachel! Yaaay!

She’s foraging for food and sees something flying overhead, which is probably Rahl on his pet dragon.

She sat down and ate the berries off the cloth as she chatted with Sara, offering to share her berries as she ate. Sara didn’t eat many.

LOOK GOODKIND YOU CAN WRITE INTERESTING CHARACTERS WHY ARE YOU WASTING YOUR TIME WITH THOSE THREE JACKASSES

She missed Richard. She wished he were here now, to run away with her, to hug her. He gave the bestest hugs in the whole world

Actually wait I take that back, just stop writing characters completely

And could the book please stop with the Richard wank-fest? The dude’s ego doesn’t need to be puffed up any more than it already is.

Anyway a Gar flies down and attacks/kidnaps her. I guess Rachel is going to be a damsel in distress now 😦

CHAPTER 38

Okay so this chapter starts off with Richard being more of an insufferable mary sue know it all using chicken-based metaphors. When did he turn into a super genius? Is it his The Magic? Maybe it’s all of his moral clarity.

Basically they’re trying to work out how to deal with Giller (pssst: I don’t think you need to worry about that guys) and Richard wants Kahlan to go in on the pretense of Confessoring, but without revealing she’s the Mother Confessor. I can think of, like, eight different holes in this idea (what if Rahl told the Queen there’s only supposed to one Confessor left? What if she pretends to go along with it but summons Rahl through covert means? etc) and Richard isn’t going to hide the fact that he’s the Seeker which would just seem to add more complications, but because Richard is a super genius now everyone’s terribly impressed with this plan.

Richard sat and brooded.

pfffffft

He wondered, and worried even more at what she had said about pretending she was the most important person he had ever been around. He liked that not at all. He always pictured Kahlan in his mind as his friend, at the least. He didn’t like to picture her as the Mother Confessor.

Just go along with the plan you egotistical fucking jackass, you’re trying to save the world here.

Any reminder of what she was, her magic, only brought the hurt deeper into his heart.

IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU NO ONE CARES

Just then: GIANT WOLF ATTACK

With a howl, it sprang. Richard jumped to his feet, his hand going for the sword. When it bounded into the air, Richard saw that it was a wolf. The biggest wolf he had ever seen.

You can really feel the fear.

It turns out the wolf was just trying to kill the heart hound behind Richard, sort of the ye olde fantasy equivalent of that scene where the guy points his gun at the guy and fires but then the camera pans over and you find out he was actually shooting the guy standing behind the guy.

Richard’s head hit something hard. He heard a yelp and the sound of teeth ripping tendon. Everything went black.

PULSE-POUNDING ACTION

Kahlan straightened herself and put her fists on her hips. “Brophy!” she called into the darkness. “Brophy! I know you’re out there. Come here this instant!”

I swear to god we’ve seen that name before but I can’t remember when.

Turns out Brophy is Kahlan’s wolf-bro. He can talk.

Richard’s jaw dropped. He wondered how hard he had been hit on the head. “He can talk! I heard him! That wolf can talk!”

Calm the fuck down Richard, you’re embarrassing everyone.

Kahlan winced a little. “Well, I guess I didn’t remember to tell him everything.” She frowned at Zedd. “It’s hard to remember everything he doesn’t know. We have lived it our whole lives. You just forget he hasn’t.”

Yeah Richard is such a clueless outsider. Hey remember how he keeps mansplaining everything to Kahlan?

Turns out Brophy was falsely accused of murdering a young boy and requested to be Confessored rather than executed to clear his name. Since he was innocent a wizard wizarded him into a wolf, un-Confessoring him in the process. Man this is a fucked up justice system. Don’t feel too bad for Brophy though, he was a fantasy magic artifact gangster.

Kahlan’s smile widened. “Brophy had a weakness. Children.

D:

As he traveled around in search of things to trade, he would stop at orphanages and see to it they had what they needed to take care of the children. All the gold he made ended up in different orphanages, so the children could be cared for, and not go hungry. He twisted the arms of the people running the orphanages, to swear them to secrecy. He didn’t want anyone knowing.

Oh… oh. Okay. For a second there I you were talking about something else.

Wow, that was a really unfortunate way to phrase that sentence.

Anyway Darken Rahl’s pet child molestor is the guy who accused Browolf, which is ironic because he actually does have a weakness for, like, yeah. Let’s switch subject.

ANYWAY LET’S GET TO THE END OF THIS Browolf tells Richard how horrible it was being confessored, Zedd is suspicious of Richard since he threw the tooth away, okay end of chapter look forward to next time!

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5 thoughts on “Let’s Read Wizard’s First Rule ch. 37-38

  1. Signatus

    I’m giving Goodkind this, he’s talking well about wolves, not maintaining the big bad wolf mythos.

    That’s all I’m going to give him. That saturday morning cartoon banter was TERRIBLE, and the fact that Richard keeps outsmarting everyone…
    And WIZARD. Because our hero wasn’t special enough, lets make him a WIZARD.

    I feel sorry for Rachel. She’s an insufferable excuse for a kid, but those are the only bits in the whole book I truly felt something emotive coming out, instead of a pile of dry, robotic sentences.

    PD; He’s one fucked up male wolf, leaving his pack when the pups are starting to learn how to hunt and expecting the female to do it all by herself. Anyways, this character has “heroic death” tattooed all over him so… yeah, poor female wolf.

    Reply
    1. Signatus

      BTW, why does Richard know every fucking thing? Even the reasons people have behind their actions? Maybe Brophy chose the wolf because he believed they were dangerous and ferocious predators and wanted to hunt down the dude who framed him. Maybe he just thinks wolves are cool. Maybe he was longing for a peaceful life in nature? Maybe the thought of wolves being social animals never even crossed him?
      Richard can’t fucking know his reasons because he is NOT HIM.

      Reply
  2. Pingback: Let’s Read Wizard’s First Rule ch. 36 [contd] | Doing In The Wizard

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