Let’s Read The Fifth Sorceress ch. 18

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Note: updates may cease over the next week due to a top secret government assignment E3

It’s back over to Tristan and Wigg and the fucking gnomes again. You won’t believe how many times I got on my blogging face and stretched my fingers, only to close the window once I remembered it was back to this shit.

Anyway Tristan is lying back at night and gazing at the stars just as the prose takes a turn for the purple.

Spiritlike shadows, randomly created by the flickering firelight, danced back and forth among the trees surrounding the clearing like teasing, long-waisted maidens of the court at Tammerland, beckoning him to come dance with them in their loneliness.

I… guess that’s an okay sentence? Sort of? I’d lose the “randomly created by” part though.

Quite a pair of traveling companions, he thought. The irascible old wizard and the equally ancient and abrasive gnome.

I was going to get some kind of comedy movie poster and photoshop a wizard and a gnome onto it, but then I decided I was too lazy so you’ll just have to picture it instead.

over the course of the last two days the prince had come to like Shannon the Small.

Seriously? You were a gigantic raging asshole to him last time. It would have been nice to actually see this character development instead of just being told about it.

Tristan cuts himself accidentally with one of his dirks and ruminates for a whole on the themes of the book (thanks dude), and then his mind starts to wander for a bit, because of course it does.

Tristan’s mind began to wander farther still as he looked at the inert body of the old wizard who lay sleeping near the fire. Is the old one really asleep? he wondered.

If there was an infamous eyebrow in here somewhere it would be the most Fifth Sorceress sentence in The Fifth Sorceress.

Over the last three days Tristan had often tried to imagine what this journey must be like for Wigg. To finally come face-to-face with Faegan, the wizard suspected of helping the Coven during the war.

I’d be more worried about the fact that you decapitated his daughter, frankly.

Wigg had been the wizard who first discovered the Tome of the Paragon, Tristan mused. The great book that still resided safely deep within the Caves of the Paragon, vastly important, but useless without the stone. Wigg had also been the one to discover the Paragon itself,

For some reason Tristan summarizes the entire plot thus far, as if the reader will have forgotten it. I know I’ve been complaining endlessly about how overly complicated everything is, but the basic outline of the story is incredibly simple.

His mind became a whirl of questions, each one bringing forth even more questions,

This is so bad. It’s so bad you guys.

Wigg had said that Faegan commanded something called the power of Consummate Recollection, that he quite literally never forgot anything that he had ever seen, heard, or read, and could recall as much of it as he cared to at will, with perfect accuracy.

Did he? I seriously don’t remember this.

Also I like how all the wizard and sorceress powers sound like Magic: The Gathering cards.

His mind began to reel

SO BAD YOU GUYS

While Tristan’s mind is whirling and reeling he sees this, like, glowing fluid forming ropes around the camp and these hairless brown…things climbing along it, or something.

What he saw would remain lodged in his mind forever.

SO BAD

Then, as it raised one of its hands for a better grip, the breath rushed out of the prince.

The creature’s fingers, toes, and underarms were webbed.

….so?

These two sentence aren’t preceded by any further context or anything. Tristan just seems to be utterly flabbergasted by the concept of webbed toes and fingers.

It seemed to be death incarnate.

What the fuck? Why? Tristan’s reactions make no sense. The way this thing is described makes it sound like a monkey crossed with one of those owl statues from Dark Souls 2 that spit poison (you all know what I’m talking about right).

Anyway Tristan for some reason waits until the absolute last possible moment before attacking and alerting Wigg and Shannon, who warns them not to let the green fluid touch them. There’s a fight, they win, blah blah blah. Shannon explains that the things are called Berserkers and they’re the result of the Gnome hunters (GNOME HUNTERS) that were in the area being accidentally transformed during the creation of Shadowood.

Wigg is like OH NOES WOE IS ME WHAT HAVE I DONE, which I guess is meant to pass as character depth or something.

So here’s a question, Shannon says he didn’t tell them about any of this earlier because he didn’t think Wigg looked contrite about the massacre they came upon when first entering the forest (actually two questions, how could Wigg look contrite if he didn’t know that these things exist?) but he still doesn’t say anything even when they’re all sleeping right out in the open, at night. Surely he should have warned them of the danger, if only for his own sake?

Anyway they continue on and Tristan gets to see more magic butterflies. Another plot hole (why didn’t Wigg explain anything to Tristan before the coronation ceremony?) gets clumsily plugged by Wigg claiming that they just had to do things a certain way because of vague reasons (Tristan’s rebellious nature), and then they go through a secret waterfall tunnel into the heart of Shadowood. Once again the wizard’s no-murder rule turns out to be total bullshit, since there’s a magic trap in the tunnel that drowns anyone not authorized to enter and the place is filled with skeletons.

if anyone of unendowed blood or without the benefit of time enchantments enters this tunnel, they are recognized by the incantations we left behind, and immediately killed.

Doesn’t that mean the sorceresses could get in?

Smiling, the prince reached down and hoisted the little gnome up into the saddle. When Shannon immediately began to eye the ale jug, Tristan shook his head and waggled a finger back and forth.

I’m dying

This book is literally killing me

They go through the tunnel and arrive in, like Gnomeville or whatever and then traipse off to go meet Faegan. I SURE CAN’T WAIT UNTIL WE STOP READING ABOUT GNOMES.

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13 thoughts on “Let’s Read The Fifth Sorceress ch. 18

  1. TheUncreativeMe

    Oh hi. This isn’t exactly relevant… actually it isn’t at all relevant to the post specifically, but to the blog in general and to a prior post.

    If anyone really cares, or if anyone is reading this, then here is a not-comprehensive list of trans characters in books that I stumbled across while surfing tvtropes: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Transsexual
    There was surprisingly little effort as well to find books written by transgender people; just google books by transgender people and a bunch of stuff comes up.
    Anyway, sorry again for irrelevance and I hope this is helpful for some people.

    Reply
  2. Pingback: Let’s Read The Fifth Sorceress ch. 19 | Doing In The Wizard

    1. Signatus

      Actually, it was mentioned (don’t know who, sorry guys) that the very first fantasy book he read was Wizard’s First Rule, so that’s very possible. We don’t know whether he has ever read anything else.

      Reply
      1. andrea harris

        Even if he’d never read fantasy before, if he had a decent reading background in a wide variety of other genres he would have produced something better written.

        Reply
      2. Signatus

        Agreed. The fact that this looks so amateur is proof that his reading and, deffinitely, writing experience is not very large.

        Reply
  3. Signatus

    Like you already mentioned earlier, this book just shows where it was engineered so certain things happened. This is another one of them. It makes no sense for Shannon to not explain why those gnomes were murdered, not to not advice them that there were dangers lurking ahead, specially why camping in the open. Really, is Shannon’s instinct of self preservation so weak?

    Really, just why? Why don’t people just explain stuff?

    Reply
  4. reveen

    AND THEN EMILY KALDWIN KILLS EVERYONE WITH HER SPOOKY-ASS SMOKE CLAWS

    It’d be too easy too, it takes these people at least ten minutes to process fucking anything.

    Reply
    1. ronanwills Post author

      Man now I’m picturing Dishonored 2 Emily rampaging through bad fantasy novels murdering the characters and I kind of want to write fanfic.

      Reply
  5. Pook

    “The way this thing is described makes it sound like a monkey crossed with one of those owl statues from Dark Souls 2 that spit poison (you all know what I’m talking about right).”

    Y-Yes *wipes away tears*

    Reply
  6. Pingback: Let’s Read The Fifth Sorceress ch. 16-17 | Doing In The Wizard

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