Last time on Tristan: Tristan scurried off to kill some Minions and prevent a sequel movie from ever being made.
I mean, he went off to kill some dark-winged Minions who cruelly executed white-winged Minions. I’m extremely unclear why he’s doing this, since the fate of the entire world rests on him not dying in a pointless fight.
The razor-sharp throwing knife completely surprised the warrior as it buried itself to the hilt into his left eye. The force of the impact carried the Minion over and onto his back, dead before he hit the ground.
I’m willing to grant that the fight scenes in this book are generally clearly written and quite exciting- a whole lot of authors, even very good ones, struggle mightily with this- but they also work on goofy movie logic, where throwing a knife at someone somehow sends them flying backward. If there were guns in this book I have no doubt that we’d see Minions being shot through windows. That sort of stuff works fine in a stylised visual medium where you can just sit back and enjoy the flashy fight choreography, but when described in writing it comes across as profoundly silly.
Also, would throwing a knife into someone’s eye necessarily kill them instantly? I guess if the knife went right through into the brain, but how long are these throwing knives? It seems a lot more likely that they’d simply destroy the eye but leave the person alive and theoretically able to keep fighting.
After killing the two Minions Tristan takes the
Returning Wheel Doomerang one of them was wearing. Why, I don’t know, since the thing would inevitably require tons of training and skill to use.
He put the glove on his own left hand, not really knowing why he was taking these things, knowing only that for some reason his endowed blood had directed him to do so. Somehow, it just felt right.
Oh come the fuck on. We didn’t even need an explanation beyond “Tristan decided it would be better to have backup weapons, even if he wasn’t trained in their use.”
Anyway Tristan goes to examine the woman who was strung up by the Minions.
Upon reaching the wheel, he found himself looking up at the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Every woman Tristan meets is the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen.
How could such a creature have been produced by a Minion warrior and his brothel whore?
Yes because “brothel whores” are only capable of giving birth to ugly children, right? Jesus this book.
The book spends some more time driving home how depraved and cruel and evil the Minions and the Sorceresses are- seriously, we get it- then the good-Minion woman wakes up and is all in awe of Tristan’s manliness or some shit. Tristan of course insists that the woman (whose name is Narissa) comes with them even though he straight-up admits it’s a bad idea. Don’t worry though Geldon knows some caves or whatever she can hide in. That’s a relief, for a minute I thought there was going to be some actual tension.
Later that night they’re about to make camp when Narissa asks Tristan to take her a bit further, then won’t explain why and is like “just trust me bro”. Yeah that’s not suspicious.
‘The pull of the Myth,’ she answered.
So Narissa feels “the pull of the Myth” but, like, can’t put it into words to explain what the hell that means, because she doesn’t comprehend it herself, man, it’s like, a sort of thing, you know.
‘Why?’ Wigg asked skeptically. Geldon was also clearly suspicious.
‘Personal reasons,’ Tristan said smartly. ‘ Female reasons. Do I need to say more, or would you prefer that I stay here and that you two brave souls go along with her to supervise?’
My reaction to this part can be summed up as:
- Fucking seriously?
- Why would Wigg and Geldon be like EEEWWWWWWW GIRL STUUUUUUFF but Tristan be totally fine with it? They fucking wouldn’t, they’d just be like “yeah okay we’ll come too to make sure she doesn’t turn into Sorceress again and try to sex-murder you.”
They go off into the woods and Narissa explains (sort of) that there’s a Myth that all the Gallipolai who have been killed are buried at a grave site, and now she feels some sort of mystical pull toward it. And she couldn’t explain this before… why, exactly?
Tristan asks who buried the Galliopoilai since they’re supposedly left in the VALE OF TORMENT to rot.
‘The dead Gallipolai bury themselves.’
“No it’s cool I’m papering over a plot hole, just go with it.”
Narissa finds the grave site and says magic words to make the ghosts of the dead Galiopiloapilioilio appear, or something. This all feels like it was made up on the spot to pad the word count out. They start talking about how awesome Tristan is for freeing Narissa and killing Minions.
‘Kneel,’ the voices said.
Without really knowing why, the prince went down on bended knee
STOP TELLING ME TRISTAN IS DOING THINGS FOR NO REASON
THIS IS BAD WRITING
But know this: wherever the two of you may go, or whatever you may do, you will always be bound in your hearts by your act of kindness this night. For it is only the good that holds beings together, and only the evil that tears them apart, and in this we thank you for your charity, your courage, and offer to you our blessings.’
Seriously, what is the point of all this? Why are going through this weird diversion right before the story starts heading for its climax?
Tristan sat on the ground under a small rocky overhang, reflecting on the amazing last two days.
THE WORLD IS GOING TO END IN TWO DAYS
Actually we’re told they’re two day’s ride from the Vale of Torment and that they have two days until the Blood Communion, which I swear contradicts the timeline of events laid out earlier earlier but I’m too apathetic to go back and check.
Tristan and Narissa have a long, meandering conversation about… I don’t know, love or something.
We are their slaves, our wings clipped and our feet bound.
But earlier you said that if the Galalalala’s wings turn black before a certain age they get to join the Minion population in training. Wouldn’t clipping their wings and binding their feet make them unfit for combat?
‘Geldon said that it was forbidden for a warrior to be with a Gallipolai woman,’ he said gently. ‘Is that true?’
She lowered her eyes and turned her head slightly away. ‘Yes,’ she said quietly. ‘That is true. I have never been with a man. It is not permitted.’
Earlier Geldon said they left Narissa alive so the Minions could rape her, but now they’re claiming that even that’s forbidden. It feels like the story is just contradicting itself so Narissa can be a virgin.
He put one finger beneath the point of her chin and lifted her face up to his.
Who the fuck actually does this in real life
‘There is no need to be ashamed,’ he said. ‘Where I come from such women are considered highly virtuous, and are often preferred as wives.’
We’re just going to skip right over this? No examination of how messed up that is?
Well I guess it is ~historically accurate~, everything else about Eutracia is such a spot-on depiction of a feudal society there’s just no way we could have different portrayals of purity culture and attitudes to virginity.
Narissa asks Tristan what the colour of his heart is or something and he eventually realizes that his life back home was actually pretty rad and he shouldn’t have been such a whiny little shit all the time.
For the first time in my life a woman truly cares for me because of who I am, not what I am.
I’m literally dying. This book is killing me bye I’m dead now
I seriously don’t get how anyone can write this without falling asleep at their keyboard.
Anyway eventually Narissa is all “I love you pls survive and come back” and Tristan promises that he will indeed come back. Gosh do you think he’s going to. Be still my heart.