Let’s Read The Fifth Sorceress ch. 28.5 – 29

Let’s just get to the end of this thing.

fifth_sorceress_title

Failee taunts Wigg and Tristan some more. Nastily. Have I mentioned how nasty and mean the sorceresses are? But they’re also sexy as well. Sexy and mean.

Her lush, full lips parted nastily into a smirk.

Oh so very nasty and also sexy.

‘You do not fully understand what you have become over the last three hundred years,’ Wigg rasped. ‘If studied improperly the Vagaries cause not only madness but addiction, leading the practitioner into a false sense of knowledge, infallibility, and an unquenchable lust for sexual depravity.’

i.e. lesbians and kinky stuff. Good women only have vanilla sex with handsome fantasy authors.

I mean princes! Princes. Good women only have sex with princes.

Wigg tries to convince Failee that she’s about to blow up the world, but of course she doesn’t believe him and is like “mwa ha ha I am so nasty I shall kill you.”

The powers of the gold and black orbs were meant to be combined and employed by only one person: Tristan, the male of the Chosen Ones, as proclaimed in the Prophecies.

Why? Tristan has absolutely zero training in magic, whereas Failee is one of the most powerful and experienced magic users in the world. What’s so special about Tristan? You can’t just tell us “he’s the Chosen One.” What does that actually mean in practical terms? Why does it let him do something no one else can?

Anyway Failee sends Kluge and the entire Minion army off to the Ghetto of the Shunned to track down whoever helped Geldon, a move that I’m sure won’t backfire in any way. Then all the sorceresses leave Tristan and Wigg in their cages overnight instead of just killing them. Again: absolutely stellar idea.

Chapter Twenty-nine

Blah de blah blah, Tristan and Wigg float in their cages, blah blah.

He remembered stories from near the end of the war of prisoners who were suddenly released after having been held in total darkness, only to be rushed out into the sunshine and immediately be struck permanently blind,

Where did Tristan hear these stories? He didn’t seem to know anything about the war before the book started.

Wigg tells Tristan that he’s still got the pewter locket around his neck (why the hell did he not give it to Tristan?) and reminds him that because of his super special blood he might be able to use magic in small quantities. Wigg also reminds him (they have to speak in complicated riddles in case someone is spying on them) that he has to kill Shailiha to stop the sorceress’s plans.

The first to enter the room was Succiu, dressed in the same highly erotic black leather clothing that he had last seen her wearing.

Of course.

Succiu is basically just here to torment our heroes some more in really stupid, cartoonish ways. While being sexy.

Staring at him, she formed a circle with the thumb and index finger of her left hand, and began to gently push the handle of the whip in and out of it, imitating the action of intercourse.

SERIOUS EPIC FANTASY

This all reminds me a whole lot of the bit in Wizard’s First Rule where Richard gets tied up and tortured by whats her face (but in kind of a sexy way). Since that was easily the worst part of WFR, I am not happy about this. This whole section has devolved into the sorceresses cackling and being nasty and evil and Tristan thrusting his jaw out manfully and thinking about how much he wants to kill them.

In fact most of Tristan’s characterization is just GRR I SHALL KILL YOU I SWEAR IT THIS DAY. The constant “a-bloo-bloo I don’t want to be king” thing was annoying, but at least it approached some kind of characterization.

Given the chance I will kill you, he swore to himself. Any misgivings I may have had because you were once my sister are now gone. I will kill you as surely as night follows day.

BY MY EXTENDO-SWORD DO I SWEAR IT

all he could do was to look down upon his tormentor – the impossibly beautiful woman in black leather with the long, silken hair and the exquisitely slanted, mahogany-colored eyes.

Are you fucking serious

Succiu is like “mwa ha ha I shall now rape you” and the sequence that follows totally reads like someone’s wank material. While Succiu is magically taking his clothes off Shailiha sees the medallion their mother gave him and is momentarily taken aback. HER MIND CONTROL IS STARTING TO BREAK YOU GUYZ.

Succiu’s voice purred from the other side of the altar. She had suddenly become naked,

I laughed out loud for like five minutes when I read this. “She had suddenly become naked” is possible the funniest sentence I’ve ever read.

‘Would you like some wine first?’ she asked nastily.

Tristan must be a real nasty boy by now.

There’s more blatant wank material (we’re at 88% by the way), which includes Succiu giving Tristan a magic boner.

‘For you see, my sweet, I have just conceived.’

SHE HAD SUDDENLY BECOME NAKED

FOR YOU SEE, I HAVE JUST CONCEIVED

AFTER SUDDENLY BECOMING NAKED, SUCCIU ANNOUNCED THAT SHE HAD JUST CONCEIVED

Succiu tells Tristan that her child will be born in just three days because magic, like that creepy baby from Twilight.

I have given them what they wanted most, his crying heart called out to him in guilt.

What the fuck, you didn’t “give” them anything.

Anyway after all that bullshit the chapter finally ends.

<———— Previous post

Next Post ————> 

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “Let’s Read The Fifth Sorceress ch. 28.5 – 29

  1. Pingback: Let’s Read The Fifth Sorceress ch. 30 – 31 | Doing In The Wizard

  2. Redsilkphoenix

    This may sound like a dumb question, but is there any point after Tristan sees Shailiha has been turned to the Dark Side that he asks, or even thinks, ‘Is there some way to reverse this stuff to bring my twin back?’ Or even ask/think ‘My sister has obviously suffered a blow to her head and gotten amnesia; how can that be reversed?’ Because otherwise he seems awfully fast to condemn someone he supposedly loves to death at his own hands, ya know? Some real brotherly love there, let me tell you. /sarcasm.

    Reply
    1. ronanwills Post author

      Yeah, he does try to see if he can snap her out of it earlier.

      To be fair to Tristan, Wigg (or Faegan, I can’t remember who) already told him about the Chimeran Agonies and gave the opinion that she’s probably beyond saving.

      Reply
  3. Hal

    This book is awful but the image of this wannabe dominatrix sorceress in her elaborate fetish costume (excuse me, I mean, “highly erotic” costume) acting like a middle school boy is hilarious. It’s like a scene from the parody accidentally slipped into the real book.

    SHE HAD SUDDENLY BECOME NAKED is the shitty fantasy book version of I PUT ON MY ROBES AND WIZARD HAT.

    Reply
  4. q____q

    Wait what? Did they have sex or not? Is this supposed to be like whatever it’s called with the heavenly jizz that got Mary pregnant without loosing her virginity(tm)?

    Reply
  5. Signatus

    If I wanted to read bad porn, I’d read bad porn. I don’t mind sex scenes in books and TV shows, but this is getting a bit annoying. It seems like some writers and script writers have some sort of list, like they have to have three battle scenes, four sex scenes and three attempts at murder. Most of the time it doesn’t make any sense, and the obsession the sorceresses have at raping Tristan doesn’t make any sense in the context of the book, other than to throw in how evil they are.

    The riddle part, really, they couldn’t be any more obvious. The fact that Tristan doesn’t understand what Wigg is telling him only makes him an idiot. Everyone in this book is such an incompetent it only shows the incompetence of the writer himself.

    Reply
  6. Pingback: Let’s Read The Fifth Sorceress ch. 27 + 28.5 | Doing In The Wizard

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s